asleep mind.

after composing the last note of the song, ellen knew that was her last. the perfection she achieved that time will never be reached again. she stayed sited in front the piano for one hour, or maybe two. then she felt the time had come. the party would start in exactly one hour and fifty seven minutes. she had time. not much, but it was enough. she opened the window. it was the coldest night of the winter so far. ellen wasn't able to avoid her mind to fly away. when she realized she was in a restaurant in london where she knew no one and no one knew her. in spite of that she was actually feeling good and comfortable. on the contrary, when she imagined herself at the later party where everybody knew her and she knew everybody, she felt like she was a stranger. a stranger and alone in her own home. (...) she undressed herself and went to the bathroom. the bath was full and the water cold as ice. so cold that she felt like her white and naked skin was being stabbed several times. her bones wanted to break and her heart to stop. but she was okay with that. she needed her pain to become real. her emotional damages needed physical wounds. sarcasm was no longer a solution to hide how miserable she was. the only thing that made her happy was to realize being miserable was quite good while comparing to being an idiot. (...) without making a sound ellen screamed for help. no one listened to her. she was no longer connected to the world. the dirt in her hands couldn't be washed away. the tears couldn't fall anymore... she had to let herself drown.